Intrusive thoughts 101

The throes of death

I would say it has been a long time, but I allowed that to happen, so I'm just stopping by. Today's reading is not light-hearted.

I feel so out of it today. I don't know why, maybe it's because I don't want to be in this class right now or I’m low-key pissed that I washed clothes and I couldn't make it out in time to beat the line hoarders. Now, my clothes sit in a bucket, waiting to have a glimpse of the sun. But I know it's not just that on my mind, but it's definitely at the forefront.

Nothing could be a funnier thought than death. As I sit here, I involuntarily fall into the whispers of leaving this world. Tears sit in the corners of my eyes, waiting for the final thought that will cause me to spiral. But I can't let that happen! How will I explain that I am thinking about dying but I don't want to? That I'm thinking about what's going to happen after this NYSC thing, and I don't have a plan? That I want to go to school but the thought of asking any of my lecturers, after not speaking to them for a year, for a recommendation letter is giving me a hard time? Maybe I'm not good at anything and should just leave the world instead of occupying space. How do I say all this and not come across as suicidal?

Suicidal ideation

The ICD-11 describes suicidal ideation as "thoughts, ideas, or ruminations about the possibility of ending one's life, ranging from thinking that one would be better off dead to formulation of elaborate plans".

Have you ever wondered how you’ll die? Or have you ever thought of how your life would play out if someone you cherished died? If you haven't, I have. For someone who listened to many assuring songs that God is up to something this morning, my mind is messing with me.

I've had family members die and I wouldn't be too affected because I wasn't close to them. But on random days, when I'm left alone with my imagination, my mind takes a dark turn into the abyss of what-ifs and the appeal of death. I tend to catch myself on most days but on other days, it's just a dark hole.

I anchor myself with the thought “If you think you have it bad, someone else has it worse.” I'm trying my best to appreciate life and not make myself downcast.

Some days when I can't bear to hear myself think, I watch movies or keep myself busy because I don't want to deal (such an amazing coping mechanism). Some days like today, I write and possibly cry😂 (which I don't!). I feel like I have pent-up tears inside me.

A completed lesson and 500 hunger pangs later…

I’ve lost my initial train of thought but I know I want to be happy and know I am satisfied. Will I find that soon or I'll just be floating in space? Anyway, I guess I'm just hungry. In the words of a wise man:

I cannot come and go and kill myself.

For those of us who have these thoughts, I want to reassure you and me that we’ll do just fine here somehow and in some way.

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